How to Win a Karaoke Contest

These Boots are Made for Walking" and "one of these days they're gonna walk all over you". That was my song, and that's what I did. Nancy Sinatra helped me walk all over the other Karaoke contestants to win the big prize, dinner for four at Boston Pizza. Okay, it was third prize but still, it was one of my finest moments. As I accepted my award in my 60's boots and blue eye make-up, I knew I had finally found my calling. My boots and I went on to win a number of Karaoke contests and eat some marvelous meals before I finally retired the blue make-up. I still Karaoke for fun but I am now ready to reveal my secrets to the next generation.

I know you are all thinking, how did I capture such desirable prizes? What are my Karaoke secrets? Well at the risk of losing my lucrative free dinner gigs to one of you, I will share my 10 secrets to Karaoke success.

1. Keep it short - This is especially true if the contest is in a bar. People are easily distracted in social situations and short and sweet will hold their attention, longer songs will not. Trust me; "Stairway to Heaven" has never won a Karaoke contest.

2. Keep it fun - People want to forget their troubles. Don't remind them with sad ballads and angry rock songs.

3. Keep it interesting - Don't sing a song that everyone has heard a million times like "Feelings" or "Crazy". Also, don't sing anything overly obscure.

4. Keep it cheese-less - PLEASE do everyone a favour and leave "The Rose" and "Summer Nights" out of your karaoke repertoire.

5. Keep it solo - Groups never win and even if you did win, what if the prize was a diamond ring how do you share?

6. Keep it moist - Your throat. The last thing anyone wants to hear is a dry hacking cough magnified by a microphone. So drink plenty of water before going on stage.

7. Keep it pretty - Dress nice, put some makeup on (girls or drag queens only), comb your hair. Even if it's just in a church basement of your one stoplight town, you ARE performing and people like to have something nice to look at.

8. Keep it moving - Very few of us can captivate an audience with our voice alone and even American Idols have to move around to keep it interesting. So dance, snap your fingers, bob your head. Anything, just move!

9. Keep it in tune - Practice a bit and if you can't reach the notes don't sing the song. There is a karaoke song for everyone, just find the one that fits your range. (there is a reason I sang "These Boots are Made for Walking", and that reason is there is only six different notes in the whole song!)

10. Keep it stocked - The audience that is. Make sure you invite everyone you know who will vote for you. This is the best guarantee for a win.

I promise you, follow these tips and you too will be walking all over the other contestants and dining in style.